Discovered and learned

I Discovered just now and....I'm not.
I'm not...

I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My SOUL has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

- Lesson Learned, Alicia Keys

Life altering lesson learned.

Picturelicious III

Itinerary for Monday: Mornington, Point Nepean, Sorrento.
Super awesome.

Point Nepean beach. Swell waves..















Never had I gone to the beach with a tent.
Super shallow at Sorrento beach, filled with kids and their need to exercise more mommies and daddies.















The 'it's mess.















Introducing the "it"













































































Peek-a-boo. I miss you!

Touchie

So after a disappointing tennis match, yes I wanted Tsonga to win, I realised why I break out on my forehead sometimes. I came to notice that I touch my forehead and..my head a lot when I feel stressed out or lets say by the 3rd set of the game, anxiety attack. And my nails, which were painted black, were chipped. I suppose I bit it..without even realising.

...Okay I didn't actually wanted to write about my breakouts and the occasional nail biting. I just wanted to say, DAMN YOU NOVAK!
- no hard feelings, you're a good player..no doubt about it. But damn you. $19 mill right into your pocket. Mr Superb French Dude is going to beat your ass in the near future. You wait and see.

hahaha..Way pass my "summer holidays" bed time...

Lesson finally Learned, maybe?

You think that you'd learn your lesson after doing something so absurdly wreckless. After that particular incident you'd tell yourself "This is going to be the last time I'm going to do something this stupid", but little do you know, a couple of years later you find yourself doing that little something again, this time only worse.
Then you say to yourself, "What the Fuck is wrong with me? Am I that stupid ?". The answer to that would probably be yes, yes you are indeed that fucking stupid.

So your mind unconsciously makes every excuse to remind you of that hideous incident, making your muscles twitch all over, all those major muscle spasms showing embarrassment. I dread those kind of thoughts. How and WHY do we constantly remind ourselves about those horrifying incidents? The more you try to forget about it, the more you try to push back into the past where it belongs, the more persistent it will be to catch up with you, saying "Oh nOooo no no noo, you're not getting away that easily. I'm going to make you reap what you sow." But it's not my Fault! you say. Technically if you think about it, it is your fault. You allowed it to happen to yourself...kaboom, there goes a small part of your life, like a piece of jigsaw puzzle lost forever.

So there you are, suddenly twitching along with that thought while you're walking down the street. Some people find the need to scratch themselves all over, being all vulgar, or just go ARGHHHh! when having those thoughts.
Everybody is probably a victim of their own minds. I sure am. There's no amount of will power that can save you from yourself....What's will power anyways? One's ability to control themselves? So does it mean we can control our own mind? but that also mean using our own mind to do the controlling of the thoughts and actions that derived from our very own mind? Everything happens and starts up there doesn't it. fucked..

It's like having a person in our mind for every character and personality we have. We've got someone called "nice" and someone called "bad" and someone called "fucked", someone called "manipulation", someone called "guilt" all in our brains. They take turns to come out, that we all know for sure. What if all of them decide to come out all at once? Do we then diagnose ourselves having DID (Dissociative identity disorder)? - ooo, new term..-
I think everyone has DID one way or another, one small percentage of it.

The constant battle of one person fighting to be better than the other. This whole being stupid and embarrassed has to end soon. I know when it's going to end. And when it does, it can only go two ways; happy and relieved or disappointed and guilty..guilty for the rest of your life...mine I mean.

So today, I'm "guilt" and "scared". Yesterday I was "positive". What am I going to be tomorrow?

Frenchfries

TSONGA

Funny anagrams

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in'em

Conversation = Voices Rant On

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Mel Gibson = Bong Smile

haha...funny.

anagram it here.

What IS now

You just know you're that close to someone when you can talk about nothing and still feel comfortable about it.

What used to be

I was browsing through the stuff on my laptop last night and came upon my chat histories that were saved. I decided to read my conversations with people I once used to talk to very often and tried to remember what I used to feel and went through.

Was I cut when I read something someone said to be 3 years ago, made me feel the rage I felt then again and the disappointment when I read the thing that someone said to me just a half a year ago. Nyeh, its the past. Yes it is.

It amazed me to see how much I have changed through the way I used to talk to people. how I used to talk to people who 'adored' me, people who I used to have a crush on, people I like to talk to. It makes me wonder how they are right now. It seemed like a life time ago. I can hardly remember how it feels like being 18 and how ignorant and stupid I was.

I got a peek of their lives by spending lots of time on facebook. haha. Through pictures and friends, they seem like they are having the time of their lives. But I guess that is just on the superficial. People choose to put up pictures of themselves having fun, partying, going on holidays. You don't really know what they are going through, I guess thats why its called facebook, not everything you want to know about me book. Welcome to my superficial fascia book.

So I was reading past conversations and thinking how was it that I was able to talk to these people with so much enthusiasm and so much interest via cyberspace but not in person. When in person we look at each other awkwardly sometimes and try very hard to think of something to say and most of the time the conversation just becomes too random, something I can handle, the random thing but not everyone can. Being random is highly essential to keep whatever sort of relationships moving further. But yea I admit I converse better online sometimes.

It's so hard to find people to bullshit with. I used to have a handful and it was one of the best times of my life, vomiting all sort of random shit while sitting at the mamak until 5 am. Good times, good times. I'm definitely looking forward to visiting home this mid year, that is if i save enough. Nah not if, definitely will save enough. Lots of holiday plans on the making, lots of food to eat and places to visit. Hmmm, can't wait.

Bullet Proof Happiness

Visualizing those things that will resonate joyfully in my heart.

Seesea

The fish that looks like a circuit board and the snapping turtle, one super ugly creature....










I wanted to touch em sea stars...but there were so many kids. I didn't want to feel like a grown up retard, all excited to touch the damn star. I might make a trip back just to touch it..Dead ones in the lab are not fun.....

The green stuff..juvi jelly fish. Its cool how they swim in a circle following the current inside the aquarium.
This is my favorite. The upside down jelly fish. Pretends to be a coral I assume, for easy prey catching.
So damn pretty.







My camera has failed me in many ways when I was there. Compared to everyone else with their super high techish DSLRs, I felt like such an amateur. But I am, so why am I complaining???

oceanexing

I finally visited the aquarium today and

There's something about the water in which fishes swim at a constant rate and corals swaying back and forth, that makes me feel all peaceful inside.

There's something about imagining myself sitting in the middle of an oceanarium all by myself, with that blueish light bouncing all around, that makes me feel like I am meant to do this.

The thought of not having the chance to do this actually kills me inside.
Apparently persistence is needed for this field and persistent I am not. I guess it's time to grow up.This is insAne.

Insane is how it feels in my stomach right now.

Keep it to yourself.

Some people are given the gift of one liners.
I'm starting to see a trend here. Something has been circulating. It has indeed.
It seems to be at my disadvantage.
Well, I'm going to one line y'all too.
one
fucking
lining.

Hershey's and all their kisses

So far I'm enjoying living here in the suburbs. It's been a long time since I felt like I was in a home. As much as I dread coming here sometimes, I'm glad I did this time. Nothing is better than being with family. I guess the bigger picture is that mom is here. Everything at it's greatest.
Out of the million things I asked mom to bring over for me I only ended up getting 2 of them. My Anne Rice books and Hershey's. One...packet of Hershey's kisses and it's not even the one I wanted. I assumed my pig of a brother actually ate them all. But almonds are good enough. I love almonds.

Since being here I have had heaps on time on my hands to think about stuff. I talked to Drey a few days ago about the situation I'm currently facing and my feelings towards it. I wasn't planning on actually mentioning it to anyone but being me and all I have to, for my own sake. I realise I have too much of a pride to actually let this float away. I never knew I had that much pride. But having a certain amount of pride is a good thing, right? Over the years I have been able to d e t a c h myself from a lot of things. I call it being heartless. But its very contradicting because I always dwell on things. So being heartless but still wanting to dwell? I'm one confused being.

Conclusion to this situation: putting it in an imaginary box, attached it to an anchor and throwing it far far out into the ocean. I don't want to destroy it, memories are meant to be kept. So I decided that it will be kept intact but far far away from me. How awesome is my logic.

I would lovee to actually type out my situation here but I have never done that before on a blog. Everything is vague, no one normally knows what I'm going on about unless they ask me about it. One major rule: no names. So what's the point in having a blog? I don't knoowww. It shows what kinda person I am I suppose. Vague with major trust issues. No one will really know whats going on...haha I'm not straight out like Slee. Goodness that boy can really write whatever he is feeling and I admire him for that.. stop eating maccas slee.

Anyways, since being here I realised that time passes quite fast. I haven't been bored which is really good. I've been going to bed freakishly early. The quietness of it all. I'm going to love living in the subs. Who needs a city life? Once a week maybe.

I should stop typing but I don't want to...yyeo where are you?

Stomach no more

For the past month I have been surviving on an average one meal a day, due to my laziness and lack of cooking skills. My stomach has definitely shrunk, shrunk so much to a point where I suffer after eating a normal size meal. Urgh, I feel so unhealthy. I love food. I love food sooo much, but only if it's right in front of my face. Again, major laziness.

I don't get how some people can suffer like this just to lose weight. Not only do they not eat, they smoke and drink as well. It feels like a slow suicide mission. You get tired, you lose interest really fast, you just don't have the energy to do anything sometimes. Totally not cool.

I'm going to end this unhealthy unintentional lifestyle by going for therapy. Yes, therapy.
...food therapy at my uncles house. No more watching Jaime's kitchen or Jaime at home and wishing he was cooking just for meee. mmm glorious food.

till I get fattened up.

Lets go Green

Tree Hugger

Stress

It cannot be possible. It is but I hope it's not. The thought of it is extremely nauseating. As long as I feel it, I'm going to have sleepless nights. What the hell, what the hell, what the hell.
I've gone through this before. It brings back bad memories, makes me break out, makes me mental. It CANNOT happen again. Not now, not ever.

sick.
sick.
sick.

Thirty things to do before I turn 30

8 more years till I leave the 20s and decided I should start being more productive.
Lets hope I'd be able to do all of these by then, I'd buy myself something superb for my 30th if I do.

1. get a job
2. own a house
3. own a car
4. get a diving license
5. dive with sharks

(This is starting to look like a list of things to do before you die...Maybe I should change this to a list of things to do before I die)

6. dive the great barrier reef
7. get a tattoo or two
8. learn how to surf
9. sky dive
10. bungee jump
11. kayak and canoe
12. stand up paddle surfing
13. jump off a cliff into the ocean
14. go on a holiday with friends
15. lasik surgery
16. get my blood tested..I still don't know my blood type
17. get on the scariest roller coaster and pray for my life
18. visit the great wall of china again and have pictures to prove it, don't let mom chicken out and hold the camera.
19. take my parents out of a very very nice dinner
20. get full body massage
21. have read at least a 100 novels
22. learn another language
23. get my uber talented auntie to paint me something
24. get my own chinese name stamp
25. climb the great pyramid, if possible
26. visit Greece
27. visit Hong Kong
28. visit France
29. visit Guam
30. go to a rock concert

I don't think I'd be able to buy myself that nice gift for my 30th...maybe my 80th...
Next up should be the crazy things I should do list..Hmmm

Omg. So lame...

Hobbies are not a fad anymore

Super long post. Might be super uninteresting.

When answering the question, what are your hobbies?, can you answer it honestly without being mendacious?

This question is probably the most asked question when we were kids, next to the question, How old are you?. When you were younger, you can answer these questions without any hesitations; My favorite hobbies are watching tv, cycling around the neighbourhood, playing with my toys, disturbing my brothers and sisters etc. etc. etc.

However, at this age, the magnificent 20s, when being asked that question, we pause trying to think of something intelligent. We can't say things like;I like watching tv because that will imply that you are a couch potato. You can't say you like playing with your toys...urm.what toys?..You can't say alot of things because a lot of these things can be perceived as being nerdy and geeky or a down right bum.

Let's not talk about the technologies we have that helps us survive. Playing video games, watching tv, being on the computer the whole day long should not be consider as hobbies. How often do you come across someone that paints, draws, reads, writes, makes music during their spare time? I admire these people. I admire those brains that can be stimulated to enable them to be creative and just so oh intelligent. While I'm sitting here typing about those people I admire, my brain is slowly degrading because I haven't been using it to it's full potential.
So many people spend their time shopping, spend so much of their time trying to look nice, spend so much time showing the world who they are not.
I cannot say that I haven't been a victim of the world. I definitely have.

I've typed so much and I realise that I don't have a point. I don't have a conclusion. I guess this is what boredom does to you sometimes.

Back to the hobby part.
I did have a hobby. Many shot me a weird look when I told them. Arenophile. Sounds vile doesn't it. Well it means someone who collects sand samples. I'm not a freak, maybe just a geomorphology nerd. I actually found joy in looking at the different sands I collected over the years. It makes me happy to see my collection line up in a row. Might I add it's one expensive hobby. What's worse is that it's illegal in some places to remove sand from the area. Restricted. Sanctuary. Reserve. I'm all about nature but I want my hobby back. Its my one possession that I am proud of. Actually it shouldn't be considered as my possession, I'm just merely borrowing it from nature...LALA.
I should make the effort in collecting again.

My stash back home.

It has grown since.
It will grow..to this, someday.


How awesome is that..Well I think it's awesome..

This one is something I've always wanted. star sand.

So bloody cool. STARS on earth.
I miss the simplicity of life.

hmm lol okay I think thats enough.

Don't hate me, Why did you read this? I did say it was a long, uninteresting post...

Ah

I just read my previous posts and I realised that I didn't get the 2 things I wanted and wished for Christmas. How sad is that...

'Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes,
I know that waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes.'
-Aqualung.

....I love that part of the song. Always applies. ALWAYS.

Thirteen

I had a 13 hour sleep with no interruption. Haven't slept that long in such a long time. My mind was blank, I couldn't remember anything, I couldn't smell, I couldn't feel.
It was good.
Now that I am awake, I just want to fall back into a deep sleep and not wake up. I just don't feel like facing anything or anyone.
I feel sick. Sick deep down inside the pit of my stomach. Something is wrong.

I would not have admit this earlier but deep down inside I really want to go back. I keep on telling myself that there isn't any reason for me to, but I see that there is now. If it wasn't for the fact that my mom is coming and if it wasn't for the fact that my very cherished friend is coming, I would have probably have broke down in one way or another.
How could I have boldly say that I can survive on my own when it's everyone else that I care for are the ones that kept me sane.

Friends influence how we think and what we do. I have changed so much over the years because of the many different people I made friends with.
I was happy with no worries. Having friends like Mel and Nat totally kept me grounded.
yyeo showed me a whole totally different side of friendship which I still cherish. I haven't been myself totally with anyone else besides these 3 people.
I realised that I have changed for the better but also for the worst in many other things. Friends that I met from then are good friends no doubt, but always made me question myself and of my actions, my thoughts and what I say when I am around them. I have somehow lost my sense of self. Just when I thought I have found myself, I realise I didn't. There are some people I hope I will always be friends with. But theses are the one way friendships...one way to nowhere.

Now the vicious cycle of being accepted spins off again. I guess it will never stop. I guess it's the matter of choosing wisely and avoiding gracefully. Fun, real and forever. Start categorizing.

I've met some people that just sucks you into a crazy vortex. I've met the very shallow ones, the very fakes, deceiving. These I will avoid gracefully. very very gracefully. I guess that's step one.

Far Out

I'm being punished aren't I?
It's like walking to hell and back with a worrying thought.
F A R O U T!

soon Drew?

Wrong.

It feels...this barren land. Is it just a gist? Just a wind passing by?
There is no clarity what so ever... everything is blurred by mist.
A fool it feels.

Hello? Heys? Hi?

still waiting for that hug.
Not heartbroken anymore.
Am just bored beyond belief now.

I need

a really big long hug right now.
HUG ME.

glass shattering, head banging, hair pulling heart ache.
tight fitting, blood restricting, alcohol binging heart break.

omg shut the fuck up already.
i neeed a hug.

Sorry If I Get On Your Nerves

So cute. Whose thoughts? - found magazine

Nine

Nine more days till I see mommy!
I'm going to be a baby all over again. ooOoO I can't wait.

Sound surround.

Murderous thoughts in this malicious mind.
Unsettling feelings boiling through these veins.
I'm so high up in the sky, I can see the mess unfold before me.
What the hell is going on? I shouldn't feel this way.
I should be floating away with my floatee,
maybe getting up in mid air doing a lovely sway.

abomination. detestation. malevolence. repugnance. revulsion. scorn.

welcoming 2008 in a very happy mood.

Pooop

I'll huff
and I'll puff
and blow my mind out.