Lesson finally Learned, maybe?

You think that you'd learn your lesson after doing something so absurdly wreckless. After that particular incident you'd tell yourself "This is going to be the last time I'm going to do something this stupid", but little do you know, a couple of years later you find yourself doing that little something again, this time only worse.
Then you say to yourself, "What the Fuck is wrong with me? Am I that stupid ?". The answer to that would probably be yes, yes you are indeed that fucking stupid.

So your mind unconsciously makes every excuse to remind you of that hideous incident, making your muscles twitch all over, all those major muscle spasms showing embarrassment. I dread those kind of thoughts. How and WHY do we constantly remind ourselves about those horrifying incidents? The more you try to forget about it, the more you try to push back into the past where it belongs, the more persistent it will be to catch up with you, saying "Oh nOooo no no noo, you're not getting away that easily. I'm going to make you reap what you sow." But it's not my Fault! you say. Technically if you think about it, it is your fault. You allowed it to happen to yourself...kaboom, there goes a small part of your life, like a piece of jigsaw puzzle lost forever.

So there you are, suddenly twitching along with that thought while you're walking down the street. Some people find the need to scratch themselves all over, being all vulgar, or just go ARGHHHh! when having those thoughts.
Everybody is probably a victim of their own minds. I sure am. There's no amount of will power that can save you from yourself....What's will power anyways? One's ability to control themselves? So does it mean we can control our own mind? but that also mean using our own mind to do the controlling of the thoughts and actions that derived from our very own mind? Everything happens and starts up there doesn't it. fucked..

It's like having a person in our mind for every character and personality we have. We've got someone called "nice" and someone called "bad" and someone called "fucked", someone called "manipulation", someone called "guilt" all in our brains. They take turns to come out, that we all know for sure. What if all of them decide to come out all at once? Do we then diagnose ourselves having DID (Dissociative identity disorder)? - ooo, new term..-
I think everyone has DID one way or another, one small percentage of it.

The constant battle of one person fighting to be better than the other. This whole being stupid and embarrassed has to end soon. I know when it's going to end. And when it does, it can only go two ways; happy and relieved or disappointed and guilty..guilty for the rest of your life...mine I mean.

So today, I'm "guilt" and "scared". Yesterday I was "positive". What am I going to be tomorrow?